Serenity

Have you ever thought about being friendly with yourself?

A few weeks ago I broke off. I was worried, among other many things, of being unable to cry and then a simple "hello" on a videocall crushed me. I was embarrassed by the weeping but it was what I needed at that time.

I was really surprised of crying like that. I felt heard and felt the hug in the distance. However, it wasn´t enough. I asked for helped and it came quickly but, stupid of me, decided to get angry because it wasn´t the solution I was looking for... when it was the one I was refusing to hear: be yourself. To be me... myself.

I remembered that I like to be positive and everyone to notice it, I like to be alone at home or walking in Madrid but not to feel alone, I like so much to learn and face new challenges, I like to be a bit clumsy at cooking because it's funnier, I like to study Danish in the mornings, I like to feel brave sometimes despite that I usually describe myself as a coward, I like to start writing notebooks and convince myself that this time it's all going to be clean and tidy although I perfectly know that the chaos will begin on the second page (I don´t like that chaos, I love it).

If I was supposed to be more "me", I had to write again. Yes, of course, I never stopped writing but it wasn´t my decision ("Sin con tacto" and "Los Olivos" are obviously out of that negativism, those are treasures), and even sometimes it wasn´t pleasant at all. And that's a problem. So I decided to get back on my mission as short stories giver.

I knew everything was right when, after thirty minutes lying and with frozen feet, I woke up and desperately searched for a notebook because I had found the main thread of my tale. I had so much fun writing as I remembered, as I thought was forgotten. I knew everything was right when I fought with myself because "to stop" do not have a synonym suitable enough to my needs, for the short story and, now that I'm typing this, I realized that neither for my life.

This is not a self-help speech but an automatically writing of what could be a diary. If I decided to publish it here is because this blog is also my story as an author and a witness of my recovery as it has been so many times before. I sometimes re-read old posts and I even like them...